I could follow suit and do a "what am I thankful for" entry like many other xangans will do today and tomorrow...but I think I'll skip that. partially because I'm thankful year round, and partially because I just don't feel like typing it all. It would be a VERY long list, but I'm am forever grateful for life, health, faith, family-these things stick out at the most important things!

I feel almost ashamed because I've thrown some (public) tantrums this week and last (on twitter of all places!). I kept it G-rated. I didn't curse, and I didn't go completely off the cliff...but twitter and xanga are my outlets.

I feel ashamed because I know I'm being watched. I know people are looking to see how I react under pressure. How I react when things don't always go my way. How I handle difficult situations.

I need God's grace just as much as the next person, real talk. Because truth be told, I have issues with being reactive instead of proactive. Usually I'm both, but I envy my cool/laid back boyfriend who is more proactive than anything else.

Wow, and just as I'm typing this, a brother in Christ said this:
"another thing that is trying to get to me is what other people will think and how what is going on will affect my testimony. Like others will think that I didn't hear God either.so that is where I need to be humbled and not worry about how others see the situation."

At the end of the day I'm me. I'm Deidre. No more, no less. I have flaws. As much as I want my life to reflect a follower of Christ, my life demonstrates that I'm a sinner in need of grace for sure!

I have things to work on, I'm transparent, I have NO problem admitting that I need help! It might take me awhile to realize it but when I do...thats when I have to step back and allow God to help me!

Things have been a little crazy in a few areas of my life, but they're ok now. Those times when I threw those tantrums, God has been completely faithful in stepping in and handling it. Everytime my back is up against the wall, God steps in and delivers in an amazing way...and that is awesome! Makes me love God even more. I trust God...even though it's tough sometimes...I trust Him.

Through my tears, my stress, my pain, my trials-God must make sure I'm ready for His blessings...in the meantime, I'm completely grateful for all that He's done for me.

Alright, I apologize in advance if I don't blog as much in the coming weeks. I will not be in possession of my computer as it's gonna get fixed by Dell, AND finals are in two weeks. Pray for me please, that I do well! Me graduating in May is dependent on this semester!

I just want to say that I love my babe. We've had our moments this year, especially during our breakup, but honestly...we needed it. We came back into the relationship with a better understanding of each other. I can now say, without a shadow of a doubt, that he is my VERY best friend.

I know that if I don't have ANYBODY else, I have him. I can talk to him about anything! I love going to church with him and being able to talk about the sermon afterwards and being able to apply it to our lives, to our relationships with not only each other, but those around us as well. In the end, we both want to build up the lives of those around us...even if it's in different ways, our purpose and goal are one in the same.

We've rubbed off on each other tremendously, and it shows. We've hung tough during some difficult times, dealt with each other during the dumb stuff, and getting into arguments over NOTHIN, he's been my rock when things have been crazy (especially lately) and we've taught each other some very important life lessons. He's taught me the concept of grace, and unconditional love and living a life of PASSION. I've taught him some things as well (he'd have to tell you himself what I've taught him lol).

We met playing uno in the student center. Funny, right? I was like "who is this dude who is super hype about uno?" LOL. I mean he was SERIOUS, PASSIONATE, and LOUD about uno! And he met his match in me, because I LOVE a challenge. So the first thing he taught me in uno is "there's no apologies in uno"...so once I found out he was rather ruthless, I was one of the few who decided to go head to head-I figured hey, if he wants to play ruthless, two can play that game! Well, he fell head over heels in love with me, and even to this day-our relationship STILL plays out like an uno game! He is better than me but I'm ok with that! LOL...but no seriously...he pushes me and I push him...and that made his uno game better, and it made him a better person in general...and he made me step my game up even more as far as taking chances and risks! I certainly took one with him!
We CHOOSE to love each other. And I say CHOOSE because love is a CHOICE. Love is not happenstance, and people say "oh we're not together, I fell out of love" or "oh the relationship got boring"...ok every day is not going to be full of roses and passionate love making or fireworks and all that. if you think that way, then your concept of a relationship is SADLY mistaken. Relationships are HARD WORK. And its a committment, most definitely. I choose to love Keith, even when he's being a knucklehead or having one of his moments of getting on my LAST nerves. And he loves me even when I make him mad...but we CHOOSE to stick together. We put God first in our own individual lives, so I've learned not to make a god out of him...in the end, God is my #1 first love, and God is Keith's 1st love...and so because of that, we respect each other a GREAT deal. We've learned how to get along and we're learning to fight fair...we've never been the type to call each other names, but let's just say we had some bad communication habits that we're fixing. God has been so good to us, blessing us individually and together because we're keeping HIM first. He can trust us and know we won't make an idol out of things because we want them so bad!

All in all, I want to spend the rest of my life with this man, and Lord willing, I will. LOVE YOU!

I don't think I've EVER felt this free in my life...EVER. And I'm just in awe of God for that!

2009 has just been...wow...a year of EXTREME growth and changes in my life...and I'm thankful.

2009, well you can say it's been two things.

2009=A Year of Grace
2009=Continued Learning and Growth.

But moreso the first one.

I've made ALOT of mistakes this year. Listened to people I shouldn't have listened to. Fell into some things that I should have avoided altogether. Relied on my own strength and talents.

But then a funny thing happened.

Instead of picking myself up? I stayed down.

When you feel distant from God, who moved? God didn't!

Christianity had [at times] become a list of dos and don'ts. A list of laws basically. And honestly? This year I kind of became sick of being a Christian. I became sick of even being associated with them at times. Why?
Because at times, Christians think too highly of themselves. Some are so "holier than thou" that it makes the rest of us nervous like we can never live up to that.

I was no longer serving the Lord with Gladness. Instead I was dreading it, because I felt like being a Christian was too hard, like it was a bunch of rules and standards I could never attain or live up to.

The seminary visit had a profound effect on my life. My life is changed, seriously. Not just because of it, but I don't look at things the same. Right before my visit, I was stressing out about alot of things. I didn't know where or what I wanted to do after graduation, and i was just a mess in alot of ways.

I totally trusted God in visiting the seminary. I wasn't going to visit, actually...but a gentle nudge from the Holy Spirit (after I REFUSED to go, claiming it didn't make sense to visit a seminary I'd never heard of in VA of all states lol) had me booking a flight to Richmond...and wow, I learned so much about myself, about God, about others...I came home with a different outlook. I absolutely fell in love with that place and will consider myself extremely blessed if I get to attend next year!

But enough of that...I've been learning about the concept of grace. It has radically changed my life in ways I cannot explain. Grace came and changed me, and in turn, I'm much more gracious towards other. When you are aware of God's grace towards you, it makes you that much more gracious towards others. Then people are often the most authentic around you when they know grace is involved.

God's grace towards me has also tied in with the realized FREEDOM in my life. Where the spirit of the Lord is, indeed, there is liberty. (2 Cor 3:17)

I'd grown up in a rather legalistic way of looking at Christianity, that God will bless you if you keep His commandments. So I spent so much time obsessing over every little thing, wondering if my sin was the reason why I didn't have a car or everything I needed. Suddenly, I didn't see any benefit to being a Christian. I was really almost in a faith crisis, questioning so many things and just becoming cynical about things! God's grace came and rescued me on that visit. Not a sermon or a prayer. But coming in contact with some people who loved Christ that weren't legalistic set me free.

(btw, my church was and is still awesome, they were not to blame AT ALL!)

I have found that the call to ministry that God placed on my life was not restricting, but rather liberating. I felt that I could be me and be called to ministry. I didn't feel as if I had to completely change myself to be a "good" Christian or to answer the call on my life.

Instead, santification is a process. It's not something that happens instantly. It's not the result of anything that WE do. If it was, we wouldn't need saving, now would we? I am determined to walk in confidence, with my head held high, and instead of DOING, I'm learning to just BE. Grace allows me room to do that. And in that, I am FREE.